I went to CVS today because I knew there was something I needed to pick up and I needed cash back. I didn't want to spend the two dollar ATM fee for a few dollars cash. I went in, scanned my CVS card to see if there were any coupons available and it printed two. One for a dollar off an hair care product and the other for one dollar off of an allergy remedy. I don't often get allergies and I generally use herbs to treat them so I looked for some gel for my son's hair. (Lately, it is very important that his hair be spiky so the girls will think he is cool. He is five.) I found a generic detangler for my daughter's thick curls and some "stiff gel" to fashion the best spikes ever. I also bought dryer sheets because they were on sale, some disposable "night time underpants" for the little one who is still having trouble, and a San Pellegrino sparkling water for my own personal refreshment. With the coupons and the sales I "saved" 7.00. Plus, I saved 2.00 for the ATM fee right?
As I was checking out, I noticed the granola guy in front of me with a reusable bag from the library. "How nice", I thought, and cursed myself for not remembering my own bags. Then I looked at his cart and saw the huge case of bottled water he was purchasing. "Hmmm... that's funny, I thought some more, " Why would he purchase disposable water bottles and yet, bring a reusable bag? Why not just buy a water bottle and re-fill it?" (Not paying any attention to the bottle in my own hand.)
I go through this incredibly boring lunch break encounter only because it really made me look at my behavior. First of all, before I went to CVS I had no particular item in mind that I needed. I had a sneaking suspicion that I needed something (and later decided it was the Pull-Ups) but really didn't have any feeling of lack in my life other than needing cash and not wanting to drive to my bank or pay ATM fees. In an effort to SAVE money, I actually SPENT 32.00. Also, I spent 32.00 for things that I didn't REALLY NEED. Nor are these things helpful to the planet i.e. plastic water bottle, plastic hair care bottles, the chemicals in hair care products, disposable diapers, dryer sheets. These are all normal things that I, and millions of other Americans, purchase. Why is it all of a sudden bothering me?
It's that damn conscience. Also, I watched the movie, No Impact Man, and haven't been able to stop thinking about my bad habits. I wanted to get this drugstore trip on paper so I could clearly see how absurd it was. To top it all off, the reason I needed cash was to pay for our Girl Scout Cookies! AKA: Junk food that my daughter is required to sale to teach her about “character and leadership”. More and more, I am so frustrated by the things I have bought as true or necessary. We have been so programmed to consume. I feel like I still have so much to learn. I suppose being conscious of your choices is the first step. Like the granola guy, buying a case of bottled water, some things are harder to change than others.
We have a compost bucket at the house now. We've been better about recycling. We have two families living in one house, so that is somewhat carbon cutting. I just want to make better choices BEFORE I spend unnecessary money. I want to NOT FORGET in a couple of months. I need to get some kind of plan or system in place to replace my current habits with better ones.
I will let you know when I come up with something. If you have ideas, shoot me. I am obviously in need of some help.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
What if I chose this?
{My yoga teacher suggested we use this simple phrase whenever we feel frustrated or stuck to shift our perspective}
I recently travelled to Columbus, OH to compete in the Women of the World Poetry Slam. It was 72 women from all over the world "competing" with their poetry. Is this absurd? Yes. Does it make any sense to assign numerical values to art? Not really. Do I love it? You betcha!
After the first day of competition, I was ranked 2nd! The only problem is that my hardest bout was yet to be had. I spent all of Day 2 trying to relax and detach from the competition aspect. I did savasana, I went for a walk, I practiced mindful cooking even. When it came time for that nights bout, I was really calm. I said a prayer in the rain and when I went up on stage I felt so truly centered. I performed my 2 minute poem better than I ever have. So well, in fact that I did not notice that my friend's hand was up telling me that I was about to go over time. I ended the poem, received huge applause and then found out I had gone .3 seconds over time! I was devastated.
I went to the back of the room and nearly cried my eyes out. I suddenly hated slam, I didn't understand why I did this to myself. I decided it was all about ego and I didn't need to subject myself to that anymore. I had one more poem to perform and I was such a mess, I didn't even want to go on stage. Then I remembered, "What if I chose this?" I love slam. No other absurd activity shows my my character flaws more than slam. It is easy to be enlightened when you are lying in savasana or your hands are in prayer in tadasana. But when you are out in the world, when you are trying to make the crazy aspects of our reality work for you, this is when your insides are truly on display. I chose to go to that competition not so that I can win, but so I could hear the incredible voices of women from all over the world. During this "freak out session" I was not even listening to the other poets and that is what I didn't like the most. I decided to go back to my seat listen to the other poets and when it was my turn, I performed the hell out of my poem. I received a 29.9 out of 30. No, I didn't win. In fact, I ended up in 17th place but I was fully present in my poems and I chose every single word that came out of my mouth and was grateful for it!
The poetry that I heard that weekend was astounding. The people that I communed with were bliss machines. I am so glad that I chose to go. I feel like this competition, maybe more than any of the others I often attend, is something that I hold so sacred. I can’t wait to see what it exposes in me next year.
I recently travelled to Columbus, OH to compete in the Women of the World Poetry Slam. It was 72 women from all over the world "competing" with their poetry. Is this absurd? Yes. Does it make any sense to assign numerical values to art? Not really. Do I love it? You betcha!
After the first day of competition, I was ranked 2nd! The only problem is that my hardest bout was yet to be had. I spent all of Day 2 trying to relax and detach from the competition aspect. I did savasana, I went for a walk, I practiced mindful cooking even. When it came time for that nights bout, I was really calm. I said a prayer in the rain and when I went up on stage I felt so truly centered. I performed my 2 minute poem better than I ever have. So well, in fact that I did not notice that my friend's hand was up telling me that I was about to go over time. I ended the poem, received huge applause and then found out I had gone .3 seconds over time! I was devastated.
I went to the back of the room and nearly cried my eyes out. I suddenly hated slam, I didn't understand why I did this to myself. I decided it was all about ego and I didn't need to subject myself to that anymore. I had one more poem to perform and I was such a mess, I didn't even want to go on stage. Then I remembered, "What if I chose this?" I love slam. No other absurd activity shows my my character flaws more than slam. It is easy to be enlightened when you are lying in savasana or your hands are in prayer in tadasana. But when you are out in the world, when you are trying to make the crazy aspects of our reality work for you, this is when your insides are truly on display. I chose to go to that competition not so that I can win, but so I could hear the incredible voices of women from all over the world. During this "freak out session" I was not even listening to the other poets and that is what I didn't like the most. I decided to go back to my seat listen to the other poets and when it was my turn, I performed the hell out of my poem. I received a 29.9 out of 30. No, I didn't win. In fact, I ended up in 17th place but I was fully present in my poems and I chose every single word that came out of my mouth and was grateful for it!
The poetry that I heard that weekend was astounding. The people that I communed with were bliss machines. I am so glad that I chose to go. I feel like this competition, maybe more than any of the others I often attend, is something that I hold so sacred. I can’t wait to see what it exposes in me next year.
Savasana 6.3- 6.5
Savasana 6.3
I fell asleep during this one too and had a really cool dream about my mom and being a kid. When I awoke I noticed my digestion seemed to be working. {Sorry for details, but I was in need of some "movement" in that area and was surprised that it happened after lying down}
Savasana 6.4
I did it earlier because it was Saturday and I didn't want to fall asleep again. I was enjoying the snow day but I was frustrated and worried about a show I was having that evening that I figured would likely have low-turnout. I spent most of my disk cleanse skanning over the work I would perform and thoughts about snow and bears.
Savasana 6.5
Sunday, I did my savasana early before the kids woke up. I started with asanas, reviewed forward bends, and then did some seated meditation in the style I had learned in the Vipassana. I have noticed that I have been using the Savasana for my meditation time and usually incorporate the apana breathing techniques and the "noticing my sensations" technique from the Vipassana. Corpse Pose is definitely more enjoyable, though I would like to get to where I do both as I feel like I need the sitting practice too. Before lying down, I read some spiritual text and then tried to keep my Disk Cleans Bliss Pose centered in Gratitude. This was definitely the most refreshing session I have had. I did notice some fear come up when I started thinking about teaching Forward Bends. I am still not allowing the idea of ME being a yoga teacher. I was joking with Joan, while she was doing my hair the other day, it seems I can perform in front of hundreds of people but I am scared to death to teach yoga to one person. It is funny to look at our comfort zones. I was glad it came up during the savasana though because it allowed me to just acknowledge it and release it.
I fell asleep during this one too and had a really cool dream about my mom and being a kid. When I awoke I noticed my digestion seemed to be working. {Sorry for details, but I was in need of some "movement" in that area and was surprised that it happened after lying down}
Savasana 6.4
I did it earlier because it was Saturday and I didn't want to fall asleep again. I was enjoying the snow day but I was frustrated and worried about a show I was having that evening that I figured would likely have low-turnout. I spent most of my disk cleanse skanning over the work I would perform and thoughts about snow and bears.
Savasana 6.5
Sunday, I did my savasana early before the kids woke up. I started with asanas, reviewed forward bends, and then did some seated meditation in the style I had learned in the Vipassana. I have noticed that I have been using the Savasana for my meditation time and usually incorporate the apana breathing techniques and the "noticing my sensations" technique from the Vipassana. Corpse Pose is definitely more enjoyable, though I would like to get to where I do both as I feel like I need the sitting practice too. Before lying down, I read some spiritual text and then tried to keep my Disk Cleans Bliss Pose centered in Gratitude. This was definitely the most refreshing session I have had. I did notice some fear come up when I started thinking about teaching Forward Bends. I am still not allowing the idea of ME being a yoga teacher. I was joking with Joan, while she was doing my hair the other day, it seems I can perform in front of hundreds of people but I am scared to death to teach yoga to one person. It is funny to look at our comfort zones. I was glad it came up during the savasana though because it allowed me to just acknowledge it and release it.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Savasana Day 1 of Six
Last night, at 8pm, I gave my kids a timer. I set it for 25 minutes and told them not to disturb me until the timer went off.
In hindsight, I should have set it for longer because it took me longer than 5 minutes to set it up and because after 20 minutes I was only beginning to get relaxed.
I think it might have been the sloppiest savasana set up ever, as I still have trouble with the head setup. I will review and work on it tonight. As I laid my stiff parts down, I felt my whole body sink into the much needed rest. Thinking of the pose as kind of a Disk Cleanse, helped me not judge the stream of thoughts that passed through as I recognized them as merley scanning all the stored files in my mind. When I noticed the scan, I turned my attention to my breath and relaxing each part of my body. I think I kind of did a lot in the area of my heads and feet but kept getting distracted by the time I would get to my mid-body.
All in all, it was very relaxing despite the random tumbling and screaming sounds coming from downstairs. As soon as I heard the bell go off, I heard the kids scream "YAY! We can go disturb Mommy now!" So they came running up to tell me the "Shivanthing is over!"
20 minutes was not enough.
In hindsight, I should have set it for longer because it took me longer than 5 minutes to set it up and because after 20 minutes I was only beginning to get relaxed.
I think it might have been the sloppiest savasana set up ever, as I still have trouble with the head setup. I will review and work on it tonight. As I laid my stiff parts down, I felt my whole body sink into the much needed rest. Thinking of the pose as kind of a Disk Cleanse, helped me not judge the stream of thoughts that passed through as I recognized them as merley scanning all the stored files in my mind. When I noticed the scan, I turned my attention to my breath and relaxing each part of my body. I think I kind of did a lot in the area of my heads and feet but kept getting distracted by the time I would get to my mid-body.
All in all, it was very relaxing despite the random tumbling and screaming sounds coming from downstairs. As soon as I heard the bell go off, I heard the kids scream "YAY! We can go disturb Mommy now!" So they came running up to tell me the "Shivanthing is over!"
20 minutes was not enough.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Die Smilingly
So, the assignment for my Yoga Teacher training course is to do six savasanas in six days. In the two months leading up to the class, I had only managed to do two. Six in six days seems like some kind of Extreme Makeover: Enlightenment Edition. I can barely find the time to floss right now, much less lay down and die for 20 minutes.
In case you are not aware, savasana means "corpse pose". Pattabhi Jois says "Savasana offers the possibility of a small death, every moment, every day." The idea, essentially, is to completely let go of everything we are thinking, the constructs of every day life, the identity cage we have created and allow a re-birth upon waking. In theory, I love this idea. It reminds me of the Vipassana course I took last fall where Goenka Ji would often say, "Die Smilingly" {which I gleefully later discovered was also the title of a Buddy Wakefield poem}.
Our number one fear is death. {Well, some say it is our number two fear, after public speaking but since I am a performance poet, death pretty much takes the cake for me.} It is quite possible that the death of our identity is even more terrifying than the death of our physical body. When I think about this, it becames sadly clear why I hesitate to start this assignment: I don't want to die.
Fact: I feel mountains better when I finish Savasana. Fact: Savasana activates the parasympathetic nervous system, the opposite of the sympathetic system, also known as "Fight or Flight." In today's society we spend the majority of our time functioning from the high stress/ "put up your dukes" place. My teacher says that the Parasympathetic System is more like "Eat. Play. Sex. Rest." I like all those things! Its like Bunnies! (Bunny Up!)
So, why am I putting off doing something that is so splendidly joyful? I sure as heck don't avoid, eating, sexing, playing or resting. Maybe because my brain is still so radically controlled by the Doing Sargeant. If I am not "doing" something then I feel like it is not worth the time. Or maybe my rowdy little ego is not about to let me wake up from the illusion of itself. Whoa. That is deep for 9AM.
Recently, I have discovered this great lil blogger named Havi. She has a process she calls the Metaphor Mouse. It is an excellent tool for destuckification. I figured it wouldn't hurt for me to use this process for my block about Savasana.
List the qualities, aspects and attributes of the thing that isn’t working.
"It can help to put a star or something by the ones that you do want to keep.
I usually ask: How does this feel? What does this remind me of?"
death, lazy, relax, stillness, corpse, pose, practice, discipline, monk, escape, breaking free, expectations, control, boring, labor, hard
Make a list of what you do want (your ideal state)
"This is the X = ? thing. You keep the parts of the old thing that do work, and you add whatever qualities would help you have a good relationship with this.
Also considering: How do you want to feel? What will it look like/sound like/feel like to be there? This is what helps you identify a possible metaphor.
Try it out. See how it feels. Check to see if there are any stowaways (metaphor!) that might trip you up (extra-mixed metaphor!) later. And if so, try something else."
calm, awareness, luxury, beauty, birth, relaxation, cleansing, gifting, creativity, chamber, bliss, release, freedom, miracle, rejuventation, exploration, healing,
Deep Bliss Creativity Chamber? Cleansing Bliss Creativity Chamber? Bliss Chamber? Fresh Paint? New Page? Inner Canvas Exploration? Stretched Canvas Pose ...heehehhe...this is fun. Maybe I am reaching.... I like the idea of a chamber because it creates a idea of luxury. But also, I think I would like to feel like something is happening while I am in this pose. Like when you de-frag your computer or clean your hard drive...hmmm....maybe... Disk Cleanse Bliss Pose. Yes.
Disk Cleanse Bliss Pose
This name also gives a fresh perspective on the process of thinking that inevitably happens when you are in this pose. We try to avoid all of our thoughts but when our computers are searching, cleaning and updating you often see it scanning over every file. This must also happen to the mind, it must scan through all the recent file uploads and storage and see where there are useless un-helpful thoughts and where there might be openings for new, fresh thoughts.
That will work for now. First scheduled Disk Cleanse Bliss: Today {Tuesday} at 8pm. I will put the kids in front of a bed time movie and then head up to the Creativity Chamber (now the new name for our loft) to Update and Restore.
In case you are not aware, savasana means "corpse pose". Pattabhi Jois says "Savasana offers the possibility of a small death, every moment, every day." The idea, essentially, is to completely let go of everything we are thinking, the constructs of every day life, the identity cage we have created and allow a re-birth upon waking. In theory, I love this idea. It reminds me of the Vipassana course I took last fall where Goenka Ji would often say, "Die Smilingly" {which I gleefully later discovered was also the title of a Buddy Wakefield poem}.
Our number one fear is death. {Well, some say it is our number two fear, after public speaking but since I am a performance poet, death pretty much takes the cake for me.} It is quite possible that the death of our identity is even more terrifying than the death of our physical body. When I think about this, it becames sadly clear why I hesitate to start this assignment: I don't want to die.
Fact: I feel mountains better when I finish Savasana. Fact: Savasana activates the parasympathetic nervous system, the opposite of the sympathetic system, also known as "Fight or Flight." In today's society we spend the majority of our time functioning from the high stress/ "put up your dukes" place. My teacher says that the Parasympathetic System is more like "Eat. Play. Sex. Rest." I like all those things! Its like Bunnies! (Bunny Up!)
So, why am I putting off doing something that is so splendidly joyful? I sure as heck don't avoid, eating, sexing, playing or resting. Maybe because my brain is still so radically controlled by the Doing Sargeant. If I am not "doing" something then I feel like it is not worth the time. Or maybe my rowdy little ego is not about to let me wake up from the illusion of itself. Whoa. That is deep for 9AM.
Recently, I have discovered this great lil blogger named Havi. She has a process she calls the Metaphor Mouse. It is an excellent tool for destuckification. I figured it wouldn't hurt for me to use this process for my block about Savasana.
List the qualities, aspects and attributes of the thing that isn’t working.
"It can help to put a star or something by the ones that you do want to keep.
I usually ask: How does this feel? What does this remind me of?"
death, lazy, relax, stillness, corpse, pose, practice, discipline, monk, escape, breaking free, expectations, control, boring, labor, hard
Make a list of what you do want (your ideal state)
"This is the X = ? thing. You keep the parts of the old thing that do work, and you add whatever qualities would help you have a good relationship with this.
Also considering: How do you want to feel? What will it look like/sound like/feel like to be there? This is what helps you identify a possible metaphor.
Try it out. See how it feels. Check to see if there are any stowaways (metaphor!) that might trip you up (extra-mixed metaphor!) later. And if so, try something else."
calm, awareness, luxury, beauty, birth, relaxation, cleansing, gifting, creativity, chamber, bliss, release, freedom, miracle, rejuventation, exploration, healing,
Deep Bliss Creativity Chamber? Cleansing Bliss Creativity Chamber? Bliss Chamber? Fresh Paint? New Page? Inner Canvas Exploration? Stretched Canvas Pose ...heehehhe...this is fun. Maybe I am reaching.... I like the idea of a chamber because it creates a idea of luxury. But also, I think I would like to feel like something is happening while I am in this pose. Like when you de-frag your computer or clean your hard drive...hmmm....maybe... Disk Cleanse Bliss Pose. Yes.
Disk Cleanse Bliss Pose
This name also gives a fresh perspective on the process of thinking that inevitably happens when you are in this pose. We try to avoid all of our thoughts but when our computers are searching, cleaning and updating you often see it scanning over every file. This must also happen to the mind, it must scan through all the recent file uploads and storage and see where there are useless un-helpful thoughts and where there might be openings for new, fresh thoughts.
That will work for now. First scheduled Disk Cleanse Bliss: Today {Tuesday} at 8pm. I will put the kids in front of a bed time movie and then head up to the Creativity Chamber (now the new name for our loft) to Update and Restore.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Progress
Blogs and journals are such a fantastic way to to explore the Self. I dug out this blog from the pile of things left unattended in my life and discovered that even though I have not accomplished everything I set out to do in this blog, I actually have taken steps in that direction. I wanted to be a yogi, liberate from my nine- to five, implement more sustainable practices and deepen my spiritual practice.
Since my last post, I have traveled the country on a two month poetry tour, attended a ten day silent meditation retreat called a Vipassana and bought my first home and named her, Clementine. {Clementine is a intentional community of artivists centered on sustainability, creativity and mutual empowerment.} I have also enrolled and began the Samatva Yoga Teacher Training taught by Karen Prior at the Art of Yoga. My house even has a yoga loft upstairs.
All in all, my vision board is coming to life.
I have also declared this year as the year of Sadhana, the work of the Spirit. I enrolled in a class at church that is a prerequisite for becoming a minister. Everyday, I am doing something in allignment with my vision. I read my mission statement each day and surround my self with empowering, authentic people.
I am tired of wanting. Want has seventeen definitions and they all mean "to lack." I no longer lack. I am wearing a Universe Samarai suit. All life moves through me and as me. I am awakening to my highest purpose. Like what.
Since my last post, I have traveled the country on a two month poetry tour, attended a ten day silent meditation retreat called a Vipassana and bought my first home and named her, Clementine. {Clementine is a intentional community of artivists centered on sustainability, creativity and mutual empowerment.} I have also enrolled and began the Samatva Yoga Teacher Training taught by Karen Prior at the Art of Yoga. My house even has a yoga loft upstairs.
All in all, my vision board is coming to life.
I have also declared this year as the year of Sadhana, the work of the Spirit. I enrolled in a class at church that is a prerequisite for becoming a minister. Everyday, I am doing something in allignment with my vision. I read my mission statement each day and surround my self with empowering, authentic people.
I am tired of wanting. Want has seventeen definitions and they all mean "to lack." I no longer lack. I am wearing a Universe Samarai suit. All life moves through me and as me. I am awakening to my highest purpose. Like what.
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